Connie Page Six

Experiences as an SOS Mother
"It's also just normal life."

It was during the last months of the training that the association told me I could be an SOS mother in Brandenburg. The village director came to Mörlbach in February 1998 and brought the first files with her. We looked at them together, to decide for which children the SOS Children's Village would be the right facility. I already got to know a bit about Fabian, Fred and Oliver then. I visited Fabian at his foster place in Berlin in May. One day later I visited Fred and Oliver in a children's home in Brandenburg. When I drove back to Mörlbach, I almost felt as if I were pregnant. It was a strange feeling. The children had seen me, but didn't know who I might be for them in future. I finished my training in July 1998 and on the 1st of September I took Fabian in. He was two-and-three-quarters at the time. Fred and Oliver came eleven weeks later. Oliver was eight, Fred was ten, and the pair of them were extremely demanding. Fabian was a quiet, reflective lad, but Fred and Oliver were like two over-wound spinning tops and didn't take in much of their surroundings. They bounced through the house and the village like rubber balls. They were chaotic children. I could feel how these two were draining me. They'd had a typical career in homes and had gone through a lot of interrupted relationships. I'm Fred's eighth stop. He was ten but seemed like eight, as he was nothing but skin and bones: thin - horrible. Fred had always wished for a mum and now that he had one, he had to make sure that he never lost her again. And how do you go about that? By sucking like a vacuum cleaner: He and Oliver tried to take all my feelings and attention. I had to be careful that Fabian wasn't left on the sidelines. Fabian is the one who needs a lot of attention before he can open up. There was such a whirlwind in this house that I couldn't think straight anymore. After a little while, it became apparent to me that these two children needed a clear structure. They had to sense that I was an individual. They had to realise that, "We can treat her as our mother but we mustn't eat her up, otherwise we'll have nothing left." The clearer and firmer the structure became, the clearer it became, to the two of them, where they stood and which consequences would follow which acts. I sometimes found it difficult to be so clear and precise and, to a certain extent, to have to distance myself from the children. Sometimes it hurt to be so hard and the rock in the storm.

Connie Mandy and Lena arrived in June 1999. Mandy was eighteen months old, Lena was two-and-a-half and they were about the same as far as their development was concerned. Both of them were institutionalised. What were apparent were the head-shaking and the fact that they seemed absent. Mandy wasn't able to relax at all and would lie stiff as a board in bed. What I found terrible was that she had no reflex to hold on to something or to prop herself up. She had a totally lumpy forehead from all the bruises. She was really a poor little worm. However, in a short space of time, she started to blossom and you could see how quickly she caught up with everything. It's a miracle for me that the change in Mandy was achieved with so few means: just a change of environment and a different care system. Mandy made good use of everything, just as if that was all that she'd been missing. It took longer for Lena. She could hardly stand, couldn't talk or anything. She was absent, as if she were an elf, floating above everything, and she hated any bodily contact. I realised that she needed help in all areas. She received physiotherapy, occupational therapy and at home I worked with materials to stimulate her senses. There were bowls filled with acorns and leaves and I hung ribbons from her bunk bed to train various senses. Lena has made good progress with these tailor-made stimuli. She enjoys life now and can communicate. She is no longer the floating elf, but is a part of the family and you can discern her presence. Since Oliver left us, we have put a temporary stop to new children coming into my family, so that we have time to do these specific things with Lena. However, next year there's bound to be another child.

Connie's Story:
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All these mother's stories come from SOS Children's Village Hermann Gmeiner Academy. Copyright is reserved and no unauthorized use permitted. Use for non-commercial purposes may be requested. The interviews telling about the lives of some SOS Mothers form part of an interesting study on being a replacement Mother to children in need in SOS Children's communities worldwide.